T-Minus a handful of days until my husband and I leave for an amazing cruise to Alaska and the Black Cloud is creeping into the nooks and crannies of my soul. I'm doing it again. For months and months I have been anticipating this trip. I have been researching all of the port cities, planning my wardrobe, dreaming about DAYS of alone time with my husband. Lately the excitement has been palpable. And, just as expected, the guilt and worry over things that are out of my control have started to settle in.
I have never been more aware of my own mortality since becoming a mother. Well, perhaps, that one time in 1999 when my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I were in a roll-over accident in the middle of nowhere Texas. That changed things for me. But back then it was a bit different. It was more like this feeling that since my husband and I had survived that accident, the other shoe was about to drop. And that pissed me off because I wanted to experience more life - getting married, having kids, traveling, having grandchildren. Those feelings of impending doom went away over time. But, since having children, they have morphed into a whole new set of neuroses.
Is this just one of the costs of motherhood? Or am I simply bananas? I have three pieces of my heart walking around outside of my body. Exposed. Vulnerable. When I leave them, for longer than a day, all of the what-ifs creep in. I'm not there. I don't have control. That is the fuel for the Black Cloud.
Fortunately, the knowledge that my children will be safely tucked away with my own mother and father in their cozy cabin in Pinetop helps to keep the Black Cloud at bay. They will be safe. They will be happy. They will have FUN! I know all of this to be true.
So, go away Black Cloud! Planes don't crash every day and I don't think I have ever heard of a cruise ship sinking (besides the Titanic). This will be an amazing trip and I know I will be bummed out when it is over. However, I am certain that what I have waiting at home will help ease the vacation hangover. So, from now until I leave, I need to cool it with the worst-case-scenario thoughts and just go with it. Frankly, I don't have the energy to be excited and worried at the same time. Being excited sounds like more fun.
(Please keep in mind that comments referring to cruise ship accidents will not help my neuroses.)
- Oh my gosh, I am leaving my kids for 15 days. That is a LONG time.
- Is that too long? I hope they don't get homesick. What if they are homesick?
- I haven't been apart from The Peach for longer than two days. Will she be okay?
- What if something happens to one (or all) of them and I can't get to them right away?
- What if something happens to US? What if our plane goes down or the ship sinks?
I have never been more aware of my own mortality since becoming a mother. Well, perhaps, that one time in 1999 when my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I were in a roll-over accident in the middle of nowhere Texas. That changed things for me. But back then it was a bit different. It was more like this feeling that since my husband and I had survived that accident, the other shoe was about to drop. And that pissed me off because I wanted to experience more life - getting married, having kids, traveling, having grandchildren. Those feelings of impending doom went away over time. But, since having children, they have morphed into a whole new set of neuroses.
Is this just one of the costs of motherhood? Or am I simply bananas? I have three pieces of my heart walking around outside of my body. Exposed. Vulnerable. When I leave them, for longer than a day, all of the what-ifs creep in. I'm not there. I don't have control. That is the fuel for the Black Cloud.
Fortunately, the knowledge that my children will be safely tucked away with my own mother and father in their cozy cabin in Pinetop helps to keep the Black Cloud at bay. They will be safe. They will be happy. They will have FUN! I know all of this to be true.
So, go away Black Cloud! Planes don't crash every day and I don't think I have ever heard of a cruise ship sinking (besides the Titanic). This will be an amazing trip and I know I will be bummed out when it is over. However, I am certain that what I have waiting at home will help ease the vacation hangover. So, from now until I leave, I need to cool it with the worst-case-scenario thoughts and just go with it. Frankly, I don't have the energy to be excited and worried at the same time. Being excited sounds like more fun.
(Please keep in mind that comments referring to cruise ship accidents will not help my neuroses.)
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